Lost a Love

I cried for my writing today. I sat and wept like a friend had been lost, a loving dear friend who was with me during the hardest of times. It felt crippling, like I could no longer find myself, like a foundation I had built myself on was suddenly demolished.

I was in denial.

“I am writing professionally” I would say to the people who asked about the whereabouts of my non existent blogs. “Working on personal stuff”, I told my editor over over and again.

I read books on writing, I read books on non writing, I read books on fiction. I swam, I ran, I cycled. I tried auto rides, I tried the highs, I tried the lows. But none of them worked.

I tried getting inspired, I tried to let myself go, I tried writing for myself. I tried holding on to that string of hope that it was there, somewhere inside me.

But there I was, stuck .

Where did it go? I had to find it. So I spoke to people, tired forgetting about it, try to freewrite, try to journal. But the more I tried, the more it went away from me.

Then it turned to blame.

I blamed anything and everything possible – the weather, the work load, the lack of inspiration in my life.

But finally, today –

I said it out loud – “I have lost a friend”.

Oh friend, dear friend, please come back.

The Little Red Notebook

I haven’t written a blog in a while now. Instead of writing for the world ( which I realised stops me from exploring a lot of my thoughts and emotions), I decided to start writing for myself – a process which helps me acknowledge my own thoughts without the subconscious fear that I might be blabbering too much in a very public space.

This change in the audience, has unexpectedly given me clarity in a lot of things – something I would like to share with you guys.

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The last couple of months has been about understanding myself, about the influences around me, and how I react to them. I realised that in the last year, I haven’t collected and stored enough memories as I usually would. There sure were a lot of beautiful memories and amazing time spent with a lot of great people. But it felt like I didn’t register them as memories – like I didn’t give any attention to them. When I noticed my thoughts carefully, I realised that most these moments, were clogged with thoughts – worry about the future, worry about the next hour, thoughts about what I was going to talk to the person next to me, thoughts about how I was staying up late, and it would affect my next day – not understanding that it was already affecting my today. After this realization, I tried to concentrate on the moment. But i found it very hard to accomplish.

Around this time, I got gifted a red notebook. Now, notebooks – are very important to me. Trying to figure out how I would use this notebook, I came across something I would like to call – a revelation.

I decided to write about realizations.

I wrote about the happiness that I felt, about the sadness that I experienced, about the profound things I learned in this red notebook of mine. I began to write about the feelings – how sadness felt like, how watching the stars between trees felt like, how conversations moved. And subconsciously, as I began to write about them, I began to notice them. And noticing them, helped create patterns. I realised that I write the best when I’m emotionally down – when my mind has shrunk so much that nothing but the write-up appears in front of me, but I’m able to create stories when I’m the happiest – when my mind expands so much that it is able to pick ideas from the whole of the universe.

And I began to appreciate the little things – the banyan tree on the way to office, how pretty the moon looked against the night sky, the pauses in between words that made conversations interesting, the profound influences that music has on me, on and on the list goes on and on.

I may go back to silence on this blog again, but if any of you want to share this experience with me, let me know – we can go through this journey together.

The Brain Code

My friend told a story to me today which kept me thinking for a while; this is how it goes

“There was this blind girl who hated her own life and everybody around her because of all the ill treatment she used to go through due to her blindness – everybody except her boy friend. Her boyfriend loved her a lot and was the only person she could confide in. He kept asking her to get married to him, but she would say it would be unfair to him and so the day she gets her eye sight back, she would get married to him. After a while, out of no where, she gets a chance to get her eye sight back and she grabs upon the opportunity.

The minute she got her eyesight back, the first person she wanted to see was her boyfriend.

But she was shocked when she found that the boyfriend was blind too. She was so taken aback that when the boyfriend asked her to marry him , she said no and walked away.

Later after weeks, she got a post from her boyfriend which said ,

“My dear, I hope you are happy with your new eyes, because once, they used to be mine” “

This story kept my thoughts occupied for a while. Obviously the girl is a bitch here. Everyone would see her that way. Going back to ‘this world is not as nice as it seems’ theory of mine, I bitched about how bad everything’s become and life is harder now than it was before. But suddenly, a thought came to my mind. Maybe there could be a positive point of view to it too. Maybe I could look at it in another way.

Many actions we do, many of the feelings we have, are programmed to be that way. Depression, ecstasy, love , hate may all seem to be developed within us, something of our own mind – but the truth is, it’s all just a general code our body is following through our hormones. This code works with the input we are giving in, which is the experiences we had earlier in life.

Some times I find instant hatred developing for people I must have just seen for no specific reason. After a bit of time thinking why exactly did i hate the person, I realize there must have been some trait of a person who has done some wrong to me in the person I saw.

If that’s the case, then isn’t all the major decisions of our live something that has been preplanned? I sound like a person who wants to blame all the wrong I have done on a ‘code’ running throughout my body but somewhere, i think that is true.

Isn’t the girl’s action justified then? I think it is, and it is this ‘ code’ which will help him get over her in a little while.

We just have to make sure our code is properly programmed and all the inputs we are providing is cool enough