“I can’t concentrate on my studies anymore”, 16 year old Ananya poured out in her journal. “I am worried I was given a jar full of concentration and it has gotten over”.
Scoring high in school was one of the biggest requirements for a happy life for me back then. I remember being confused, losing self confidence – ‘The most Important 10th Grade’ was passing by me and I wasn’t able to concentrate.
I remember the day before the final social studies exam – unable to read more than 2 words from my book, sitting in the balcony and watching the sky, feeling guilty of not studying, but unable to put my mind to it. “What has happened to me?”, I wondered.
I didn’t have to be so worried, I scored fine. All those years of studying had inculcated some pretty strong processes in me and it worked.
A few months after that, I remember running to the washroom after every 40min class in school, because my period was overflowing and I just couldn’t sit. Something was definitely wrong.
After a few hospital visits and tests, we realized my butterfly gland – the thyroid, wasn’t functioning, the Thyroxine levels were low beyond the charts. And that started my journey with the Thyroxine pills – everyday since I was 16. I took a particularly high dosage.
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An imbalance in my bloodstream, so inbuilt into my personality. I wasn’t sure if the low moods, the lethargy, the lack of concentration, the weight gain were me, or the thyroid. By then I had incorporated the word “lazy” into my psyche. The levels kept fluctuating – the moods kept changing.
The pills became a part of my life – they traveled everywhere with me, first thing in the morning before the mind is fully active, the pills would have already entered me. Over the years it went through stages, first of fighting – we will do things and get the thyroid fixed. Crazy workouts and diets.
When I lost hopes in that, it changed to helplessness and self pity.
Next some kind of acceptance, this is me, this isn’t going to change.
A couple of years back, I fell into a bad mental health space, life felt unbearably difficult – related or unrelated to the thyroid – cannot be sure.
Exactly a year back – when things became completely unbearable, life went out of control – I decided to stop, and fix myself. A series of events including the move to Mysore. I brought discipline into my life – I cooked all my food, meditated regularly, worked out regularly, kept my space orderly. Worked extremely hard to maintain it.
It worked, mind felt calmer, under control.
Until, one fine day, exhaustion, lethargy, lack of focus hit. And I knew, this can’t be me. Checked my thyroid levels, and it had gotten better! My dosage had to be reduced, the gland had started working – I was over-medicating myself.
In another 3 months, the same symptoms returned, with more intensity. When my usual morning workout hit me with so much exhaustion it was impossible for me to do anything but sleep in the day, i knew it was time to do a blood test again. The gland working further – I could reduce my dosage further.
The transition is hard. Self doubt, exhaustion, lack of concentration, blurry mind. Like someone had drugged me the whole day.
“Till the hormone levels get back to normal, is there something I can do to function properly?”, I asked my doctor. “No, Ananya, sorry you will have to wait it out”, he said. I am not a big fan of endocrinologists.
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It’s incredible how much of a hold this tiny little butterfly gland has on life. It governs thoughts, emotions. It makes me think – if thoughts and emotions are just results of these hormones flowing through our blood streams. Who are we really? If manipulating this is manipulating that, what are our thoughts made of?
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